How Does it Feel?

Photo by CielChen

I just finished watching a terribly confusing film, I’m Not There. It was supposed to be about Bob Dylan, with the lead played by 6 different actors. Although each of their roles mimicked his, they never said they were Bob Dylan. They each had different names and different stories. It was not what I had expected or hoped for.

My heart broke in the 2 hours I spent with this film. I had a secret dream that I held so tightly that I dare not speak it. A phone call interrupted the middle of the film and stole that dream and took that hope away. It wasn’t a big dramatic or earth shattering moment. It was a confirmation that a small and simple dream wasn’t coming true.

I know that when you peg your hopes on the wrong things, you can only end up disappointed. It’s tempting to put faith in things, or schedules, or vehicles, or even people. But odds are they won’t deliver your agenda. I had hoped someone close to me would make a choice to make my life easier. He chose a different path. He wasn’t there.

I’ve been sick this week. I’ve taken a lot of medicine this week in hopes of curing what ails me. Some have helped, some actually made me worse. Through it all, the hardest pill to swallow is the reminder that it not all about me, my agenda or what makes my life easier.

I had my little pity party. I was angered at the selfishness of my loved-one’s decision. Until I realized I was being equally selfish.

I still have reason for faith and hope, even in the midst of pain, suffering, and loneliness.

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17).

Upon reflection, I suppose the movie was suggesting that we can’t know a man by his actions or his music. We can read an interview, watch a film or attend a concert, but those snapshots in time won’t reveal his true character. In essence, all of these character portraits were Bob Dylan, just as much as they were not.

Likewise, it’s not about me and it’s all about me. God put us on earth to love and care for one another, not to focus on our own needs being meet 24/7. At the same time, Christ’s death on the cross was for me. He died for my sins. That’s exactly how much he loves me. He loves you that much too.

That’s the sacrifice that truly matters.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13).

Answered Prayers

Our celebration had been delayed. As we sat down at the restaurant, we realized that neither of us had brought our wallets. My husband ran quickly home to retrieve some cash while I entertained the kids and ordered our meals. Somehow my 9 year old son was the only one with cash in his pockets, just enough to keep his sister and himself occupied at the video machines while we waited.

This odd turn of events gave me time to reflect on the odd journey we had traveled. Almost a year to the day that my husband’s airline announced it would cease all operations, we had reason to celebrate. On January 25, 2008, Skyway Airlines, flying as Midwest Connect, told its employees and the community by TV news that all 400 regional employees would be cut. In a cost cutting measure meant to save the company, an out-of-state airline with non union employees and fancy new equipment would be brought in to fly the routes.

Job loss is everywhere these days. Doubtless, your life has been touched by the economic crises in one way or another and the odds are that you know someone faced with similar “cutbacks”, “layoffs”, or “cost saving measures”. Call it what you like, it stings all the same.

In March, sweet relief came in the form of a job offer from JetBlue Airlines. Sean was offered a class date in May. Our relief was short lived. Gas prices soared, aviation was hit hard, and all new hire training classes were cancelled.

Many of you prayed for us: prayed for a new job, for hope, for a marriage strong enough to overcome a rough patch. As the airline industry continued on its freefall, with new layoffs being announced each day, the options for flying dwindled. Your continued prayers of encouragement lifted us up and kept us going. Thank you.

Sitting in the restaurant last night I had time to reflect on the trials and opportunities of the last year. I’ve heard it said that when God closes one door he opens another and Hell is in the hallway. We’ve spent plenty of time in the hallway, yet the doors He opened are filled with joy and promise.

As our bottom line sagged, our faith was bolstered. When all the flying jobs disappeared, we learned we had skills that would lead to new careers. After being abandoned by a company we had been loyal to for 8 years, we discovered who our true friends are. We many not see them as often, but we found we can ‘poke” them on Facebook.

As I waited alone at the restaurant table last night, the Garth Brooks song, “Unanswered Prayers” played on the jukebox. I smiled to think of my high school sweetheart and my prayers that had gone (thankfully) unanswered. Looking back with 20+ years perspective it’s easy to see that God knows what he is doing and leaves many prayers unanswered for a reason. I’m grateful for that. Perhaps in time, I will come to appreciate His timing for this season in my life.

Yesterday, JetBlue called. Sean starts 3 weeks of training in Orlando on February 18th. He’ll be flying an Embraer 190. We don’t know much more than that. We thank God for answering our prayers. Thank you for praying alongside us.

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1).

I offer my story as one of hope. The news reported that over 14,000 people lost their jobs yesterday. The headlines are grim and the days ahead seem dark. Have faith. Keep praying: for yourself, for others, for people you’ve never met. The airlines industry was one of the first to falter. Now, a few companies are beginning to recall their pilots. Like seeing a robin at the feeder on a cold Midwestern day, we need to be alert and celebrate a sign of better times ahead.

Sean returned with his wallet just as our food was delivered. His timing … just perfect.

He Won't Abondon You

picture by Jill Greenseth

Sometimes in the midst of a crowded room you can still feel alone. I remember in college helping out an old roommate with a photography assignment. She needed a model for some “mood” photos. You can only imagine how many times I made her repeat her request before agreeing. (say it aloud a few times if you don't get it)

We traveled around Washington, D.C. scouting spots where I would look especially lonely. We went to a crowded bar where I posed alone, looking forlorn. The bartender even suggested putting the stools on the bar so I could look especially pathetic. I was all alone at closing time.

We went to a crowded mall. Surrounded by happy shoppers walking in pairs, I sat alone. I did my best to act the part. I was sad and alone in a sea of joy. I was missing out on all the fun.

Our last stop was a children’s playground. As the kids ran carefree and happy, I sat, alone, on a swing, kicking at the dirt at my feet. I didn’t have to act any more. I felt alone. All of locations we’re filled with joy-filled, hopeful people; yet, I had never felt more isolated.

I left my old friend and headed home. I dragged myself into my dorm room, slapped a Janis Ian tape into the stereo and fell on my bed for a good cry. Instead of a being the subject of a photographers lens, I felt like a specimen in a lab. I gave in to the temptation to believe the worst: I was a freak, a loner, worthless, abandoned, and unimportant to anyone.

“When in doubt, look up”, reminds the sweet little angel that hangs in my bedroom. A dear friend gave her to me. This angel is the first thing I see as I wake up each morning. She reminds me that even in the bad times, even in the valley, God is good. He will never abandon me, He is faithful and true. I carry Him in my heart, in every fiber in my body just as surely as my daughter carries her trusty blanket “pinkie”.

“This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9).

There are days in life when things don’t go my way. I thank God for being with me in the days most filled with strife and pain and fear. His love shines through the gloom and points to the skies.

What helps you remember that God is with you and will never abandon or forsake you?

I sometimes find encouragement through song, as in the words above. I am also reminded in the song, “Yesterday, by Mary Mary that “there (is) nothing too hard for my God…any problem that I have he’s greater than them all. So I decided that I cried my last tear yesterday.”

The Stuff that Counts

It’s always exciting when someone leaves a comment on my blog. Any comment is cause for celebration; someone has read my blog and heard the good news. I don’t know what I expected when I started. I had fantasies of being discovered, starting of community of followers who awaited each message as a chance to write in and share with each other.

I thought of each message as a catalyst to a broader conversation. I agonized over each post, spending hours on each, scrutinizing each word or turn of phrase. In short, I worried what you would think.

The comments were spotty at first. Friends sent words of encouragement. My mom wrote a few anonymous comments (her maternal perspective is easy to spot.) But where was the witty debate? Where was the intellectual repartee? One day a worship leader stopped me at church to share how much he enjoyed my blog when it dawned on me, I am literally preaching to the choir.

I searched for ways to track traffic on the site, ultimately adding a counter. I became obsessive checking the counter to see if anyone had visited. I added a short-hand comment code so visitors could rate the post as “interesting”, “helpful” or “meh?” My husband added a link to this site from a Disney discussion board and anticipated a huge surge in “hits”. I regret to share that he was wrong.

Tempted to give up and focus my energies on other projects, I prayed for guidance. I was reminded of one of my early posts. It had started an important conversation that had occurred off-line. Someone close to me reached out by phone to comment on my blog. He rarely sets foot in church and is uncertain of his faith. My words had started a dialogue that I hadn’t previously dared to open.

After reading your comment today, I visited this site, my anticipation mounting to see the new total on the counter. What happened? Where did it go? I fiddled with the computer settings for a few minutes before I realized the meaning. The number of hits on the site is not what counts. I’m not writing this for me, or even for you, dear reader. I write for the glory of God. If I bring one new believer to Him or strengthen one faltering relationship, every effort is worthy.

Your comments are always valued and welcome.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23 – 24).

Believing is Seeing

My house is a wreck and the Christmas decorations are starting to crowd out the dust bunnies. The time has come to wrap it all away for another year. I always enjoy looking through the Christmas cards one last time. Sent from afar, each sends a touch of love and wishes for a joyful 2009. The Christmas “brag” letters get another quick scan. My college roommate Amanda included an unusual disclaimer in her letter. Like an investment prospectus that warns that “these statements are forward looking” her letter featured the following caveat:

“The editorial staff makes no comparison as to the relative “quality” of (our) year…while (we) feel truly blessed and had a great 2008, this update/newsletter/brag-sheet in no way suggests that (we) had it better than you.”

Most letters broadcast the highlights of the years travel and accomplishments. Likewise, I tried to document our year in a quick and cheerful letter. To be honest, on paper our year looked more than lousy. Unemployment curtailed our regular travel schedule and economic woes and uncertainty stole the wind from our sails. Seeing the words on paper left me feeling hollow. Although all those details I wrote were true, the facts didn’t reflect what we were feeling.

“Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing.” We’ve watched so many Christmas specials this year; I can’t tell you where I heard it. Yet, this simple line resonates with me.

Because I believe, I can see beyond what is wrong in my life and see the joy, the hope and the promise. Even in our darkest moments, God’s love endures. My life has been blessed this years in ways that will never make the pages of my College Alumni magazine or even a Christmas brag letter.

Believing is looking with wonder and privilege at the opportunities of each day.

Open your eyes to find the joy that is all around you.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

The Perfect Christmas

Have you struggled to find the perfect Christmas present for your loved ones this year? Did you hover over your children for hours trying to capture the perfect Christmas picture? Have your attempts to create the ideal Christmas robbed you of your joy and peace this season?

Think of your most vivid Christmas memories. Often, it is the most horrendous of mishaps that leave the lasting memories. Even the classic Christmas movies fit this pattern. We remember Charlie Brown’s Christmas because of his pitiable little tree. We smile with little Cindy-Lou Who as she sings with joy even after the Grinch stole her Christmas.

One year our family set out to impress our guests with an extravagant holiday celebration. We splurged at the store and came home with a huge package of jumbo shrimp. Our hands shriveled like prunes after the hours under cold water as we peeled and deveined the centerpiece of our feast. “Please, Dad”, we begged, “Can we just try one shrimp?” “They are for our guests, you’ll have to wait”, was the reply. The shrimp looked lovely, piled high on the crystal tray. As the doorbell rang, Nana carried the heavy tray to the coffee table as we greeted our guests in the entry. By the time we gathered coats and hugs and made our way to the den, our 150 pound Great Dane, Misha, had devoured every last shrimp. I don’t know who was more sickened; my Dad, at the wasted expense, or my dog, for obvious reasons. I don’t remember what we ate that night, but we laughed and enjoyed each other even though our big plans had fallen flat.

In "A Christmas Story" nine-year old Ralphie pines for his dream gift: a genuine Red Ryder 200-shot Carbine Action Air Rifle. We learn along with Ralphie that even the most coveted possessions can disappoint. His teachers, his parents and Santa all tell him, “You’ll shoot your eye out!” As the family’s preconceived notions of the perfect Christmas dissolve, they find joy and happiness with a new tradition of Chinese Turkey as we “Fa ra ra” along.

It’s time to abandon the concept of the perfect Christmas anything. These overblown expectations serve only to frustrate our lives and cause undue anxiety. We end up bitter and angry (like Martha) toiling in the kitchen instead of enjoying the presence of our family and guests (as Mary remembered).

Reclaim the joy and peace that God intended for you this Christmas and always. Trust God that you are where you are supposed to be. Enjoy the unexpected and embrace all that is imperfect. That is my Christmas wish for you!

Christmas Contrast

It seems like such an unfair contrast.

Christmas time is a time of celebration and rejoicing for the newborn king. Yesterday my family and I were pleased to be a part of a small celebration, “A Birthday Party for Jesus”. Preschoolers gathered to decorate and devour birthday cakes for Jesus and then attend a puppet show/dramatic depiction of the Christmas story. There was giggling and excitement as the little ones enjoyed the sights and sounds, and celebrated the reason for the season.

In stark contrast, my heart is heavy with the struggles and pain and sorrow of so many friends. It’s four in the morning so the best I can do is pray for my friend who leaves on Wednesday to be with her brother as he endures his final cancer treatments. I am awed by the faith of a friend taking her husband for heart surgery in a few hours. She is so steadfast and sure in her trust in the Lord. May He be her comfort in the waiting room and her husband’s healer during his recovery. I cry out to Jesus for a dear friend chasing after the details of life, struggling to keep all the balls in the air. She is overwhelmed with the pain her husband is feeling and unsure where she should be. I pray for a family swept up in a whirlwind of Christmas activity. In their exhaustion, where is their joy? God grant them the peace of an afternoon together, in one spot, doing nothing but holding down the sofa.

A quick check of the weather reveals it is -11 degrees outside. Where do the cold and homeless turn on a night like this? Who will be Jesus? Who will provide comfort and warmth to those who need it so much?

Mother Teresa said, “There are thousands of people who would love to have what we have, yet God has chosen us to be where we are today to share the joy of loving others”. I may not possess the ability to stop cancer or mend a broken heart, yet I do the simple little things that I can. I give what I can, and then give a little more. I can’t turn up the thermostat in the Midwest but I can drop off a hat and mittens for those in need. I can reach out, show I care and listen with a compassionate heart. I can roll up my sleeves and lend a hand without being asked.

What can you do?